Ready, set, matzah!

First comes the news that, according to some Rabbis in Europe, pot should not be smoked at Passover. D'oh! I know the rules about not eating bread, or anything with leavening (or anything that puffs up when you cook it, like corn or rice), but the rabbis saw fit to add hemp seeds to the list, so marijuana is definitely out. [Besides, would you really want to have the munchies during a week when tortilla chips are prohibited? I didn't think so.]

Then, it seems that an enterprising Rabbi in New York decided to turn a school bus into a matzah oven. Seems he's been using it for a few years -- and as long as he can recruit an engineer to help him set it up, and move it 10 ft. away from the house, he can go back to using it! Oy vey. Most matzah tastes bad enough without the added aroma of old school bus.

Finally, if you have little kids coming to your Seder, and you need a cute way to explain the 10 plagues on Egypt (heh. I used "cute" and "plagues" in the same sentence!), here's a bag of tricks. I particularly like the little frogs and the fake blood. :)

And for those of you who won't get to experience the zaniness that is the Fratkin family Seder (oops, that includes me this year!), here's the quick version.

The Two-Minute Haggadah -- A Passover service for the impatient.

Opening prayers: Thanks, G-d, for creating wine. (Drink wine.) Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt . Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions: 1. What's up with the matzoh? 2. What's the deal with horseradish? 3. What's with the dipping of the herbs? 4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers: 1. When we left Egypt , we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread. 2. Life was bitter, like horseradish. 3. It's called symbolism. 4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them: Wise child-explain Passover. Simple child-explain Passover slowly. Silent child-explain Passover loudly. Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. G-d brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. G-d parts the Red Sea We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel.

If G-d had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea , it would've been enough. If he'd parted the Red Sea- (Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.) Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, G-d, for everything. >>SERVE MEAL.>>>

There, now you've all been to a Seder. In the Fratkin house, you have to add a short discussion of whether G-d is a he or a she, and some funny songs, and a mountain of yummy food. Takes about 3 hours.